A River Walk and Other Adventures

Instead of blowing up your feeds with pictures, I decided to do a photo blog update. 

Yesterday, I decided I needed an adventure and drove off to the river for some exploration. While looking for parking, I got a disappointing phone call from my boss saying the store was over payroll and not to come in [today]. I’d already been thinking about my “quarter life crisis”, and how it is time to start making some big changes, and that pushed me over the edge. 

As I arrived at the bridge, a train was going by, underneath, and I sat on the warm wood, watched it pass by, and nearly cried. I started the descent down the stairway and began my two hour walk alongside the river. I listened to sad Korean love songs, and stopped to photograph every ounce of beauty and wonderment that caught my attention.

The sky was cloudy and moody when I began my walk, and then the sun came out with some stray clouds. At one point, towards the end of my walk, I looked up and saw the sun breaking through the clouds, and knew that my breakthrough was on its way! I stared up, in wonder, and my countenance began to change. 

I turned off the sad music and found a song to remind myself how God sees me and how truth always wins, and I played it on repeat for the next hour or so! (All the Beauty- Kati’s Story by JJ Heller)

It was a beautiful day for a beautiful walk, and despite a few storm clouds, I was glad for the change of scenery and the chance to capture beauty, along the way! Enjoy.

  The top left picture was from my near breakdown on the bridge, and I think it’s appropriate that it turned out darker than the rest; it was hauling shiny new automobiles. The smokestack in the top right photo is from the old energy plant that intrigues me. Also, I really like trains!
  Details from the past, modern benches that could pass for art, wildflowers brightening the landscape, an energy plant I wish I could get closer to, and a happy little robin who posed for a picture and watched me, as if telling me everything would be okay.
  While walking in a daze, I noticed a change in the hillside that looked promising. Upon further investigation, I found this treasure. Walking down steep steps, getting closer to the water, and taking a moment to taste the fruit of a blackberry or mulberry? tree and reflect upon the provision of my God.

 I really like flowers and industrial structures. 

  While I’m fascinated by the old buildings and structures made by man, they cannot compete with the beauty of a simple but glorious field of wildflowers! Sunshine for the soul.
   
 Take a moment to pause and reflect. I love how the natural beauty of the water and the sky are radiant among the urban landscape and take center stage! Also, do you see those two staircases in the bottom picture?? Whenever I see something like this, I really wish I could climb them and see where it would lead!

  Bridges and any part of the downtown KC skyline are some of my favorite things. Also, the top bridge is my favorite to drive across, and lamp posts are snazzy!
  More beauty. I had to venture through a grassy area to capture the beauty of those flowers!
 Have you ever considered the beauty of the common thistle? Most people write it off as a noxious weed, and seek to destroy it, and though there are probably valid reasons for this, I’m enthralled by its great beauty. It is a force to be reckoned with-with all its thorns and sticky sap- and you probably don’t want to touch it. This is a beauty that demands respect. And, did you know the milk thistle has medicinal properties? 
  

     The moment I noticed the sun breaking through the clouds, and set out to capture how the water glittered in the sunlight. You could appreciate that detail more in person, but it was still a moment of great beauty and thankfulness!

  When one discovers a carved out path, overgrown with wildflowers, one must follow said path to wherever it may lead, regardless to whether there may or may not be chiggers. At the point in which the second picture was taken, I was watching the horde of bees happily collecting pollen, and praying for a window of opportunity in which they would clear away from the path just enough for me to get by, and that they would not find me sweet enough to chase after. Face your fears. It was a glorious detour from the paved path!!!
   
 Goodbye River Walk, hello city! Also, lamp posts…!

  I’m really not sure why this old building, with its broken windows and bricks intrigues me so much… Especially, since it probably produces a considerable amount of polution, but it does. This is not the best view of it, but was the closest I could get, with no trespassing signs, construction, and traffic. Veolia Enviroment energy plant?
  Lavender, sunshine, and urban exploration. P.S. Lavender blossoms are tasty snacks!
   
 

Mason’s Potato Supply Company, a.k.a. River Market Event Place. I love how, in the restoration process, the old signs and identities are not erased, in this city! Also, I wish the grassy panels behind the bench were real (moss would be fun!), and this would be a fun place to lunch.

   
   Driving down Walnut Street. Sometimes, it’s nice to take it slow and work your way through the city streets, on the way to your next destination, rather than just turning on the GPS and taking the most direct route!

  

  

  

 I stumbled upon City Hall, Jackson County Court House, the Court of Appeals, and Police Headquarters, and wondered what it would be like to work in such places. I like exploring government districts, and sometimes contemplate a career in law of some sort or a similar field of civil service…. The first two pictures are of City Hall (and Abe Lincoln), and the bottom is of the Jackson County Court House.

   

     I ended the night with a trip to the Nelson, to enjoy the remainder of the fading light. The Nelson and the surrounding neighborhoods and museums and gardens make up my very favorite part of Kansas City, and I’d be perfectly content to spend the bulk of my time in places such as these, but there’s so much more of the city I want to encounter! I love that even when the museum is closed, the grounds are open and can be enjoyed! P.S. I finally checked out those new fruit sculptures, and I think they’re creepy, and wish they weren’t surrounding Rodin’s Thinker sculpture… 

And just for fun, here are a few more pictures from previous adventures, before they get erased from my phone, to make room for new adventures!    

 Sometimes, you have to pull a u-turn and stop by the lake, on your way home, when the clouds are so expressive!! Sometimes, you get to see a pretty black bird eating someone’s discarded, colorful candy, and wish people would be more classy and better care of our earth!

  Last week, I explored Wesport with my lovely friend, Lebeka, and found some fun restaurant signs, in a back “alley” parking lot!
   
             Also, in Westport, I finally wandered into this dress shop I’ve been meaning to check out, for two years, and I was NOT disappointed! I wanted to take half the store home with me, but that’s not economical, so I was satisfied by admiring all the pretty little garments, accessories, and details! Such as pet birds, beautiful dresses, vintage hats and handbags and shoes, a fun couch, vintage baby clothes, lace, and Moroccan shoes! I love vintage, and I miss wearing dresses! P.S. Men, this is what we call window shopping! 😉

Thanks for tuning in, on this episode of adventures with Kristina! 

Big Announcement: Salina, Here I come!

As I sat in the Global Prayer Room, this week, at the International House of Prayer, I felt as though my life could continue on this path of giving myself to hours of worship and intercession, seeking the presence of my King, for the rest of my days.  The thought of not walking into that room every morning, seemed so surreal.  It is truly a gift, but it is not the end all.  I can encounter the presence of G-d and worship Him wherever I place my feet.  I am thankful to have had this season, and I hope to come back, but, for now, it’s time to pack up my tent and follow the Cloud of G-d’s leading to a new destination.  The winds of change have been blowing, and I have been invited to step into a new season of life and growth, back home in Salina, KS.

I actually had a dream about a month ago, that I was going to go home, live with my mom, and, by doing that, I would be going to IHOP-KC (the internship I want to do).  But it made no sense to me, and I didn’t want to think about leaving, so I dismissed it.  A few weeks later…

I was journaling that morning, dreaming with Abba G-d about all the places I wanted to go and the things I wanted to do for and with Him.  That afternoon, I got a call from my mom saying a way had been made for me to do the internship with IHOP-KC, but first they wanted me to move back home for a while.  I fought it for a while, trying to figure out any way to stay in KC, and doors seemed to open almost immediately. (I made a few connections that could be helpful when I come back to Kansas City.)  That night I went to a worship service, and they sang a familiar song that became the hardest prayer of my life, in that moment:

“Put me anywhere, just put Your glory in me.  I’ll serve anywhere, just let me see Your glory.”

I cried, barely able to whisper those words, and I realized that I wanted to go anywhere except home.  In that moment, I knew that home was exactly where I was supposed to go, and after a short grieving process, I surrendered and took the hand Abba was extending to me.  I laid my desires and plans down on the altar, that night, trusting Daddy G-d that He was leading me down a good path, and that He would take care of my every need.  That song has become my anthem over the last couple weeks, as I have prepared to pack up my life and follow His leading.

Since that night, G-d has brought much joy, confidence, and courage/boldness into my life.  I am ready to step into this next season of growth and embrace all that comes my way.  After this season, in the secret place of prayer and worship, I know who my G-d is and I know who I am; I know where I came from and I know where I am going; I know I am loved-how to receive love-and I am able to give love; I am no longer held captive by fear and have learned to walk in confidence, courage, and victory; I have found my voice; I no longer despair of attaining lasting joy, it is my reality-for there is unbounded joy in Abba’s presence (Psalm 16)!; I have found my dancing feet, and feel the dancer in me wanting to be set free completely; I no longer fear being luke-warm and thrust from G-d’s presence, for my heart is ALIVE!!!  I love my Daddy G-d with every ounce of my being, and am excited for all the adventures to come!

My plan is to be in Salina until April, and then come back to Kansas City and do Intro to IHOP-KC.  In Salina, I will be working, saving money, paying off debts, spending TIME with family and friends, and getting involved in my local church.

I am resolved that this will be an amazing time full of adventure and growth (it’s all about perspective).  I am resolved not to waver in the difficult times, but to keep my eyes on Jesus.  I am resolved to let the love and joy of Jesus shine out of me, and to love and serve people with no agenda.  I recognize that there will be trials-I guarantee it-but I am resolved to keep pressing in for the joy that comes in the morning!  I am resolved not to watch my life go by from the sidelines, any longer.  I am resolved not to allow fear to keep me from going after my dreams.  I am resolved.

I will miss everyone, but I will be back, and hopefully be able to visit often enough, seeing as I will only be 3 hours away!

Oh the joy of sweet surrender!  It makes me want to sing and dance (always)!  G-d is doing SO much and I am excited for all that is to come!  Oh, and by the way, I’m moving Sunday after church! Oy!

Shalom!  Email me at kristinarkruse@gmail.com for address change and prayer requests!

Much love to all!
-Kristina

The Last Few Months: An Update

So much has happened over the past few months and is happening right now, that I do not really know where to begin. Forgive me for the period of silence; I had hit a wall in my journey and felt a little lost; I began to listen to the voices of shame and condemnation, again, and felt like I was letting everyone down and had nothing to show for my time here (lies); I started feeling a little forgotten by G-d (never the case). I was like a sheep who had strayed and could not hear the voice of my Shepherd, but He sought me out and rescued me, again (He will always seek us out when we stray or run, so great is His love)!

The first couple months of my journey into the heart and rest of G-d were amazing! He was bringing revelation after revelation, cleansing me with His Word, allowing me to soak in His love, speaking true identity and infusing me with confidence, teaching me how to rest and trust, changing my paradigms, inviting me to know Him and to go deeper with Him than I had previously thought possible, introducing me to His friend Holy Spirit, speaking destiny and reminding me of the zeal I had for Him in my youth, and teaching me to hear His voice. Together, we walked through my past and He brought healing and redemption to the broken places. Together, we battled all the lies and prisons and chains that had tried to hold me back from the journey He was calling me to, and I was free. I had never known such depth of love, such freedom, such LIFE and joy (I had touched it in the early years, but never to that extent); my heart had never been so in love. “I’ve seen I AM and now I know that I am loved. I’ve seen I AM, now I know who I am.” -Jonathan David Hesler. ….We shall call this the honeymoon season….

The last few months have been about learning to persevere, staying faithful even when I don’t FEEL like it, choosing my Bridegroom and seeking His face, learning to spend time with Him even when it’s hard, leaning on Him and choosing to trust that He is still faithful even when the bills are no longer getting paid and I’m eating free or expired food (He said He is my Father and my Provider and I will trust Him), wrestling with hard questions, learning to run TO my Shepherd when I am hurt and not FROM Him, cultivating wells of faith and devotion and encounters that can never be taken from me, setting my gaze on Him (dove’s eyes) and not turning to the right or to the left when trouble seems to assail me on every side (steadfastness). It has been hard, there have been many tears and questions and even doubts, I have wanted to throw in the towel (but where could I go and who would love and care for me like my G-d?), yet, He never left me. This was the season of G-d laying a new foundation in my heart; I have been built upon the Rock and will stand when the floods come.

Now, I can feel the winds of change beginning to blow, again. I may not like the direction it is going but I know it will be temporary and for my growth and the benefit of others. I have a lot of decisions to make in the next couple weeks. I welcome your prayers, and will fill you all in when the time comes.

A next step is Intro to IHOPKC’s 6 month internship, but I am still unsure of the timing of this. I am in the process of applying but may need to defer it for a few months. The goal is to start by April so I can be finished by September, and, hopefully, go on a trip to Poland to serve Holocaust Survivors next October during the High Holidays. Please, Abba!!! There will not be many more years left for such an opportunity, and I REALLY want to do this!! It would be my first overseas ministry trip and my second overseas trip, period. I just need to see if there is any more space left on the trip and raise $300 for my deposit by the end of this year.

Thank you for reading this update and for keeping me in your prayers. I would love to pray for you! Email me prayer requests, or if you want my address or phone number to get in touch: kristinarkruse@gmail.com

Blessings to all!
-Kristina

I Will Not be Silent

I Will Not be Silent by Jonathan David Hesler

“I will not be silent. I was born to worship. I will not be quiet. 
The voice of fear: you can hold me back no more!

Worship is the key. Worship is my destiny.
Worship is the victory that releases glory.

I will not give up what is my inheritance.
I was born to do great things.
G-d is alive. He is inside of me!
He’s alive. He’s alive!

Worship is the key. Worship is my destiny. 
Worship is the victory that releases glory.

Open up. Open up the ancient doors.
Open up. Open up the ancient ways.
Release the keys.
The key is turning. The key is turning.
The hearts are turning. The key is turning.
The King is at the door. The kingdom is coming.

I will not be silent. I was born to worship.
I will not be quiet. 
The voice of fear: you can hold me back no more!”

You are Seen: A Reason Why I Love Big

   I have always been one who feels and cares deeply; words spoken and actions expressed can have a deep impact on me–whether for myself or for others. 

   I used to internalize every word spoken over me and every action expressed towards me.  I embraced every act of love, and was wounded by every sting, slap, and jab of both the careless words and those meant to cut deep.  Abba has taught me to receive the love and give the rest to him; only pausing to learn from the hurt but not to hold onto it.  Because of this, I try to use words with care, and am sensitive to the hearts of others when I hear unkind words flung at people.  I see their pain, and feel it deeply; my heart goes out to them.

   Growing up, I had few friends–partly, I believe–because I was the compassionate child who reached out to those labeled “outcasts.”  I chose them and they chose me.  It was a lonely road which marked me as an outcast among my peers, and often left me abandoned by the only “friends” I knew; for whom I had sacrificed much and had stuck beside out of a sense of loyalty and compassion.

   I know what betrayal tastes like.  I know what it was like to be utterly abandoned and mocked by the majority of my peers.  Because of this, and in spite of it, I have compassion for the hurting ones who silently walk the fringes and feel forsaken.  

   I know what it was like to feel as though no one was listening; as though my heart and voice did not matter.  I see the timid ones longing to be seen and heard; yet, afraid they are not worthy.  I see them and want them to know that they are worthy; that they matter, that they are seen; that they have a voice and a story worth telling. 

   I see the silent ones who shrink back in fear, hoping to stay invisible, and, somehow, protected from further ridicule.  I see the timid ones who want to be seen and loved and share the beauty of their lives, but are afraid to risk being hurt or silenced once more.  I see the ones longing for a friend; yearning to know that they are loved and that their lives matter.  I see the ones the world dismisses as shy, quiet, plain, boring?, different; I see the pain in their eyes as they shuffle by. 

   I see them, because I was that girl.  Their pain was mine.  I’m familiar with the prisons of fear that used to keep me silent and feeling as though I was alone.  I’m familiar with the language of pain, and the orphan heart; the tears which drenched my pillow and the countless prayers to a G-d I was desperate to know, and, yet, wondered if He loved or saw me.  My heart is moved with compassion for these dear ones.

   I care for people out of the ashes of my pain, because people cared enough to reach out to me in the depths of my despair.  I care because these beautiful ones saw me and introduced me to a Father who loves perfectly and redeems the broken.  It is out of this place of knowing I am loved and no longer an orphan–of knowing I was never utterly abandoned or all-together forsaken; it is out of this place of redemption and beauty, that the seeds of compassion and love have taken deep root in my heart.

I believe G-d placed this attribute of compassion in me from birth, but before encountering LOVE it was weak and poured out of my limited strength.  Now, it is by His strength, and from the overflow of His love for and in me. To G-d be the glory!

“Catch me up in Your story. All my life for Your glory!”

 

**NOTE: This is a semi-rough draft of something I wrote for a small group assignment in March. G-d has done miraculous wonders in my heart and life since then, but these words still ring true, and I felt like someone may need to hear them.  I pray that G-d would meet you in the place of brokenness and encounter you with His vast, transforming love.  And, I pray that this will be your reality: “

“In the midst of my tears, I know I’m seen. In the midst of my pain, I know I’m held. In the midst of my questions, I know G-d is working all things together for my good. The ache of a lovesick heart longing for Him triumphs the ache of loneliness, for I am never truly alone. I am loved, and Love has won me.”  

Blessings!

Memorial Weekend 2013

   This Memorial Day weekend has been like any other.  I didn’t visit a gravesite (both sides of my family are 3 hours away), and I didn’t go to any cookouts.  There was no stress of food preparation or time demands or sunscreen application.  It was full of friends, a beautiful celebration of rememberance at Union Station, spontinaity, and relaxation.  So many memories were made, and I couldn’t have asked for a better way to celebrate (despite going into the weekend fighting off an impending sinus infection).  The only thing that would have possibly made it better would have been some family time.

   Saturday, I slept until lunch time, from late night Benadryl dosage, trying to let my body rest and recover.  By mid-afternoon, I finally felt like a semi-normal person, but then felt like I had been run over by a train and had zero energy.  But, I wanted to go to a party to celebrate a beautiful friend who will be making aliyah to Israel, and so I drug myself through Price Chopper to pick up chips and salsa, because I couldn’t muster any strength to make anything.  Yet, after being at the party for 20-30 minutes, I felt alive again, and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the night! Praise G-d!!  At the party, I met new friends, ate hummus, got to practice my Hebrew, enjoyed all the Hebrew conversations and songs, we sang, had a jam session with guitar/bass-guitar/flute/djembe/harmonica and danced a little, had amazing Turkish coffee (my new favorite!), tried to rescue a baby bird, ended Shabbat with a little Havdalah service, and just enjoyed each other’s company.  It was beautiful and perfect.  

   Sunday morning, I finally made it back to The Boiler Room (church) after a month away.  I’m always so blessed by my time there, and I enjoyed meeting new people.  Sunday evening, I went with friends to the Bank of America Celebration at the Station, which was held between Union Station and Liberty Memorial (the nation’s only World War 1 museum).  It was the perfect night, and I felt so blessed to be there with such fun people and friends.

   When we arrived, there were SO many people filling up every space of green lawn; all gearing up for the big event.  It’s so fun to see so many people from all walks of life, coming together to celebrate America (as imperfect as it is) and remember our service men/women; crowds used to unnerve me, but now they energize and inspire me!  We claimed our spot in the sea of humanity, and meandered over to stand in line for food (I got Falafel and hummus–on of my favorite foods).  The Kansas City Symphony was playing on stage, and infusing the atmosphere with songs of patriotism and the melodious sounds of stringed instruments.  There were what felt like sacred moments, as the cool breeze gently blew over us and the words of Halleluyah wafted through the air, and then again when we stood for Taps (the song they play at military funerals); I was immediately taken back to my grandpa’s funeral about 5 years ago (he served all his life in the National Guard).

   After one of the songs, cannons were fired off behind us three consecutive times.  The first one startled us, and I felt the impact of the sound with my whole body.  I couldn’t help but think of how soldiers must feel with a real war raging all around them, where cannons and gunshots are the normal music of the night.  It was powerful.  At the end of the concert, they fired off several more rounds of cannon fire, and the air was filled with the smoke of gunpowder (thankfully wafting away from us).  Then came the fireworks centered behind Liberty Memorial; I do so love a good fireworks show!

   After everything was over, and people went home, we all decided to play a fun game on the lawn, called ‘Tree’.  It involved holding hands, running around in a circle, and trying not to run into the person in the middle; never wear a ring when playing this game!  It was so much fun!  Then, we decided to go to a diner called Town Topic for some late night grub.  Half of our dwindling group walked, and half drove.

   It was such a beautiful night, I jumped at the opportunity to walk through the city with friends.  It reminded me of all my nights exploring the cities across the country when I was on tour with Acquire the Fire.  It was a beautiful experience, both getting a new view and perspective of this city which has stolen my heart, and getting to know friends a little better. We had to have walked at least 20-30 minutes by the time we finally caught up with the rest of the group.  When we finally reached the tiny diner, we were packed in like sardines–so long was the line.  I got a milkshake, and we stood outside swapping stories, after midnight. When it was time to go,  the 8 of us packed a 5 passenger vehicle to ride the mile or so back to the other car; it was fun being smooshed together with good friends, and was a little sad when we made it back to the other car and ours emptied out a bit.  All in all, it was one of the best nights of my life thus far in Kansas City, and I was blessed and thankful to get to spend it with some amazing people!

   Monday afternoon, a beautiful friend asked if I wanted to grab coffee, and we made it a date at Market Place Justice (my favorite local cafe).  I had my first London Fog and a delighful bowl of gluten-free granola with chocolate chips, banana, and steamed almond milk (both were amazing!).  It was fun to catch up with her, after seeing her the night before, and then we went for a relaxing stroll through some quaint Grandview neighborhoods.  Then, I came home and met up with another beautiful friend for a little bit.

   I am so thankful and blessed with all the new friendships, G-d has given me!  It’s overwhelming, considering a couple months ago, even, I was a quiet and fearful introvert who stood on the sidelines and only dreamed of such friendships and social interactions.  There is so much life to be lived, and this weekend, especially, was just the beginning.  I savored every bit of it, learned more about myself, others, and my city, and made some fantastic memories.  To G-d be the glory, great things He has done! Amen.

   

   

Out of the Ashes: A Journey of Self-Discovery

Since moving to Kansas City, G-d has been doing major “surgery” within me; He’s been doing deep works of redemption, restoration, and healing of the broken places of my heart, identity, personality, and so much more.  I am continually blown away by just how much has changed in so short a time.  I know G-d has a plan for me, here, that far outweighs anything I could ever imagine, and I am choosing to say “yes” and surrender to the flame of purification.  It has been quite the journey, and I am excited to see what the next few months hold.
Lately, I have been on a journey of self-discovery.  One aspect I have been marveling about lately, is how drastically my personality seems to have changed; maybe it’s just me, but I can tell you for a fact that I am not the same person I was two weeks ago, two months ago, 6 months ago, a year ago….  I feel like I’ve been locked in a dungeon for so many years, bound in chains of fear and insecurity, and now I’ve emerged and am basking in the Light of the Son, and have been opening up in full bloom like a flower.  G-d is SO awesome; to Him be all glory, honor and praise!!!
*************************************************************************

I am such an introvert, and yet, perhaps I am not.  Now that G-d has been freeing me from the chains and prisons of fear, I am less and less content to be labeled as such, and live life on the side lines or just stay at home.  I get bored with too much alone time.  The only time I really enjoy introversion time is in public places, like the Prayer Room, a park/nature, a library or museum, shopping, at a cafe, or if I get a little unbalanced/stressed/overwhelmed.  I need to be around people/friends, more often than not, even if only by proxy.  I crave social interaction.  I thrive when I am able to spend quality time with friends.  I am energized in group settings, even if I seem a bit overwhelmed, unsure, or quiet; it is only because this is still pretty unfamiliar territory and uncharted waters, for me–not because I’m not enjoying it.

For as long as I can remember, people have always dismissed me as ‘shy,’ ‘quiet,’ ‘introvert,’ etc., and I had accepted this as my reality and became good at playing the role.  I was motivated by fear, insecurity, lack of self-worth, and just the pain of never feeling like I belonged anywhere.  Yet, I vaguely remember (and my mother tells stories of) a time when that was not the case at all.  The first six years (at least) of my life I was very outgoing and full of life; I loved to twirl, sing and tell stories to anyone who would listen.  I knew no strangers; everyone was a potential friend.  I talked so much my little brother stopped talking (and had to go to speech therapy, later) because I knew what he wanted and talked for him.  In the home-videos my dad made, I strain to hear the conversation between my family members over the constant chatter of a little girl who was confident that she was loved and delighted in.

I’m not exactly sure when everything changed; perhaps it was a gradual shift.  Maybe it was when my parents started fighting, when my dad moved to the basement and eventually left us (divorce).  Maybe it was when I started realizing that people were not always so kind or willing to be friends with you.  Maybe it was when I was forced to choose between friends, and the path I chose–out of compassion and guilt–was not the popular one.  Maybe it was when I realized people were not so trustworthy, and it was best to keep your heart hidden; when I first tasted the bitterness of betrayal.  Maybe it was when I realized I would never fit in, and my attempts to do so only caused pain to others who also felt alone.  Maybe it was when I felt like no one was listening or cared about what I had to say, and learned to keep silent and hide my heart.  Maybe it was when the only “friends” I had left started tossing my friendship around like a yo-yo.  Maybe it was when school became a waking nightmare I desperately wanted to escape; when I began to dread every moment of free time not monitored by a teacher.  Maybe it was all of this and so much more.  It really makes me wonder, how much of my introversion was learned as a method of self-protection from the pain of rejection and loneliness.

I grew up pretty lonely, isolated, and fearful.  I hid to avoid getting hurt.  I stayed on the fringes to avoid being seen and picked on.  I stayed quiet, because I was told my voice didn’t matter, and I learned it was the easiest way to stay out of trouble.  I learned to keep to myself in order to survive, and yet, through it all, I never really stopped trying to reach out to people–desperate for fellowship and a place to belong.  Yet, while the status of my relationships with my peers changed with the wind, G-d always had me surrounded with a remnant of people (mostly elders) who reminded me of love and taught me to hope, again.  It wasn’t until after I left high school (the same school I was in from K-12th grade), that I started meeting precious people my age who began to show me what true friendship and love really looked like.

   Looking back, I can see how I have grown from those forced years of introversion–my road of loneliness and tears; how G-d has given me beauty from ashes, strength from brokenness, and joy from sorrow.  I cherish friendship, trust, and faithfulness/loyalty, because I have known loneliness, betrayal, and disloyalty.  I love deeply, because I have know rejection.  I tend to be slow to speak, and quick to listen; I am a great observer of people and remember details like names/faces.  I know how to weep and laugh with others.  I value relationships, and would do just about anything for a friend in need.  I learned to be introspective and contemplate the deeper things of life.  I discovered a love for writing as an outlet to express and process my thoughts.  I make friends pretty easily, and see nearly everyone as a potential friend.  I cherish quality time and words of encouragement.  Truly, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned, and the circumstances and tears which have created depth, appreciation for life and beauty, and helped shape me into the woman I am today.  I pray that G-d will use this part of my story for His glory!

I went to a friend’s party, Monday night, and thoroughly enjoyed just about every minute of it.  Upon later reflection, I was struck by just how much I had changed since the last time I had been to a party there (5-6 months ago).  The first time, I was bound by fear/timidity and insecurities (orphan spirit); I lacked the confidence to introduce myself to people–especially guys–if they weren’t introduced to me; I didn’t know anyone and felt awkward inserting myself into a mix of people on the dance floor, when I didn’t know the songs of moves; I felt awkward in my own skin; I was wounded and unable to see past my own bleeding heart and the pain of my past experiences in social gatherings with peers.  This time, I felt like my experience was polar opposite; I was joyful, excited, open and engaging in conversations; went all out in my 50’s costume and was able to feel beautiful and confident as the woman G-d has been transforming me into; I really only knew a handful of people going in, but left with some new friends; I participated in the dancing, even when I didn’t fully understand the moves; I let go of my fear-of-man and had SO much fun!!!  I even stayed and mingled with my new friends hours after the party was officially over.  It was a fabulous night!

I still feel a little perplexed, at times, as I contemplate how far G-d has brought me.  It still feels so foreign to think I may be becoming an extrovert, or at least way more outgoing.  My whole mindset of how I view myself and the world around me has been changing so rapidly, sometimes it is hard to keep up.  I am thrilled at all G-d is doing in and through me, but there is still a bit of a mental struggle.  I daily have to remind myself that I am not the labels placed on me by others, and even myself, along the years.  I guess that is where faith comes in.  By faith, I know I am a daughter of the King of kings, made secure in His love; I know who I am and where I am going; I know that I no longer have to listen to the voice of fear, and now have the courage/confidence to take my stand against it; I know that my life and voice matter and that I do have something to offer; I know how to love and be loved, and I know I am worth your time and friendship.

So, be patient with me, dear ones, if at times I am a bit shaky and uncertain; I am still testing out my wings for I know I was meant to soar.  I am learning to walk in victory.  I am learning to keep my eyes steadily focused on Jesus that I might walk on the water.  I am so thankful that He who began a good work in me is (and will continue to be) faithful to complete it.  All glory, and honor, and praise be to G-d, forever and ever, amen!!!

Awake, Sons and Daughters

“The fear of the L-RD is my treasure.
The fear of the L-RD is the fountain of life.
Do Your eyes see me, now?
Are You smiling? Are You proud?
I believe You are, and it changes everything!”
-Laura Hackett

I see the chains of fear falling to the ground.
I see prison doors being flung wide open; your Rescue has come.
The time for freedom and love is now.
Put your hand in His; you can trust Him.

I see tongues loosed to proclaim the love of Jesus.
The winter is over; look, the time for singing is now.
Open your mouth and SING, for your deliverance has come.

I see confidence rising up, as your Maker reshapes your identity.
Accept His love and the truth about who He says you are.
Walk out in boldness, with your head held high; you are cherished.

I see the heavens being opened.
Listen, oh Daughter, consider and give ear.
The King desires your attention, and longs to share His heart with you.

I see trials and testing, that are causing faith and character to arise.
Gold is refined in the fire. Pearls are formed under pressure.
Do not shrink back; embrace the flame and know your Father is holding you.

I see angels being released on your behalf.
Your prayers move heaven; do not keep silent.
Lift up your voice in confidence, and petition the throne room of Heaven.
You have His ear.

I see the fear of man being replaced with the Fear of the L-RD.
Let courage and love win.
If G-d is for you, tell me who can stand against you?!

I see the knowledge of G-d being written on your hearts.
Seek Wisdom as your treasure; take hold of it and do not let go.
Walk with the wise and you will become wise.

I see an army arising from the ashes.
Pain is not their identity, but a stepping stone to the character of Jesus.
They will embrace the flame and come forth as gold.

Fear will not hold them down or keep them silent.
The love of G-d compels them.
HOLY is written upon their foreheads, and they will not walk in compromise.

I see men and women being awakened to the voice of Father.
Rise up oh Sons and Daughters; you were made for so much more.
Contend for the promises and receive your inheritance.

I see accusations being silenced. You do not have to listen to the lies any longer.
They lose their power in the face of love.
Let love win– today, this very hour.

I see love that has overcome the grave for you.
This Man with eyes of fire is jealous for your love.
Give Him your weak love and let Him transform you from the inside out.

I see a Father who delights and rejoices over you.
His heart is wild and cannot be tamed; His joy is breaking every chain.
He is smiling over you; He LOVES you and this changes everything!

To G-d be the glory both now and forever more!!!

A Testimony of G-d’s Fatihfulness

“Magnify the L-RD with me. Let us exalt His name together!”

Let me take a moment to brag on my Jesus!

G-d has been calling me to a season of rest, abiding, and sanctification. This has both the best and possibly hardest season of my life, thus far. In this time, I am learning to trust, listen, obey, and walk out in boldness. Abba is doing a deep work in me; bringing me to maturity and (I pray) forming the character of Yeshua in me.

So, I have been spending a lot of time at IHOPKC’s Global Prayer Room; worshiping, reading, listening, writing and learning to dialogue with the Father and Holy Spirit.
I have been wrestling with G-d as a Father who loves to provide for His children; wrestling with the fact that I am accepted into His family and have the favor of the Most High G-d. I have been challenged to cease striving, surrender all to G-d, wait upon Him, and step out in obedience where He prompts me.

I have been giving Him my weak “yes” and small faith, and Friday I felt the Heavens opened and the faithfulness and love of my Father being poured out upon me.
Friday morning, I had an incredible time of worship and listening to the Holy Spirit speak through the microphone at the GPR and into my heart; “And even when my heart condemns me, Your love is greater than my weakness. My confidence is in Your mercy. You’re the One able to keep me until the end.” “Do not believe the accusations of the enemy/ the voice of the accuser.” “Return to your first love. Come back to your first love. It’s only here, you will be changed.” “I don’t have to shrink back in fear, for Your perfect love casts out fear.” “There’s a place for me at Your table. You prepare a feast before me.”
Friday afternoon, upon leaving the GPR, someone handed me $170 cash, after having read my blog.
Friday night, I was tired of eating gluten-free muffins and stopped by my favorite cafe for greens and a chat, and walked away with a job offer to help for a couple days next week!! I was, then, so blessed with joy in worship at Forerunner Christian Fellowship; “I was an orphan, You gave me a family. I was an enemy, You made me a friend. You give me joy unspeakable, and life forevermore. Your mercy’s unending. It’s new every morning!”

Saturday morning, I streamed the Prayer Room, and went to a small group (collective) with some of my beautiful church family; sharing life, laughter, and food around the table (my favorite time of the week). Some songs that day were: “You give everything in Your perfect timing, and until then I’ll be in You, abiding.” “This love I cannot measure. I’m Your delight, I am Your treasure.”
Saturday afternoon, I came home to find both my Federal return check and a letter stating it would be coming in the mail in the next couple weeks! Then, after spending about four hours home alone, I asked G-d for my roommates to have people over; and I found out they were going to watch a movie and invited someone to come. Then, I had to run to the store to buy 2 more apples for my (amazing) sweet potato/apple dish, and I asked G-d to let me run into people I knew; I saw 3 friends at the store. I ended the night in the kitchen, getting my baking/cooking fix, listening to the movie in the other room, and enjoying the fact that there were people in my house.

Sunday, someone gave me a check for $150 [after reading my blog] “from the heart of the Father”, and I had a sweet time with friends at church.
The song of this morning was “Till the ground in me [the soil of my heart]. Your Spirit’s like water to my soul. Cast your burdens down/ cast off all your crowns. Cast them to the ground. Lift your voice in joyful praises. Sing, oh my soul, sing unto the L-RD. Lift your voice in joyful praises!”
And this afternoon, I got to spend time with friends, enjoying the beautiful weather, exploring the Nelson-Atkins Museum, and walking barefoot on the lawn.

It has been an incredible weekend, and I am SO excited about all G-d is going to continue to do in and through me!

PRAISE:
*G-d provided $320 for my rent this month, and the exact amount I need for next months bills (not including the loan, food or gas) through my refund check!!

I will leave you with another song from this weekend, that has been stuck in my head (singing and worship are my favorites!). It speaks volumes to the love and faithfulness of our Father! It also reminded me of another song I love by Jaye Thomas, which I was jamming out to in my car, today!

“My Father is smiling. He’s got a heart that is wild and can’t be tamed!
My Father is smiling. His joy is breaking every chain!
My Father is smiling. I’ll sing of His love, unashamed!”
-Jon Rizzo, IHOPKC

“I love to make my Father happy. I love to make my Father smile.
I love to make my Father happy, and I will bless Him at all times!
Oh L-RD, our lord, how excellent is Your Name.
I will bless the L-RD at all times, at all times!
Magnify the L-RD with me, let us exalt His name together!”
-Jaye Thomas, IHOPKC

A Journey of New Beginnings and Expectancy

Last January, I felt Abba G-d speaking to my heart that 2012 would be a year of change. I didn’t know that change would mean moving twice in a couple months; traveling across the country in a Budget rental truck, going to a revival service at my Granddaddy’s old church, moving to Kansas City, having my heart rocked by encounters with the love of the Father and Creator of the Universe, getting freed from the prisons of fear, renewed identity, being unemployed for 6 months and then some, and learning to trust G-d in ways I never had to before. It’s been an incredible journey that keeps getting richer and more astounding as the weeks pass by and Spring blossoms all around me; both in our city and in my heart!

I left Maryland in September, when my nanny job ended, for new beginnings in Kansas City. It was a journey that began with trust and surrender to the will and timing of G-d; with Him frustrating my best-laid plans until I yielded to His plan, whatever it would look like. “G-d willing,” became my mantra.

Driving cross-country in a Budget truck was not in my plans; it was humbling, loud, slow, and bumpy, BUT G-d was with me and my heart was becoming more tender with every mile that separated me from my beloved Maryland. The deserts of my heart were being watered, steadily, until rivers of praise began to erupt from deep within. I saw the hand of G-d in everything, even missing my exit in the Appalachian mountains and detouring through Pennsylvania- a scenic detour that cost me six hours.

My first stop (minus the 2 hotels) was in Neosho, MO; where I rested for a week with family I hadn’t seen in a few years. I pulled up to my Aunt’s house 15 minutes before church, and it would prove to be a Divine appointment with Destiny. This was the church I would visit with my Granddaddy, and I hadn’t been there since his funeral a few years prior. There was a special speaker that day, who was preaching with revival fire; my heart was awakened and the fires that had been smoldering were suddenly blazing flames of life, passion and purpose. I was in awe of G-d’s perfect timing.

My time in Neosho was healing. I got to spend a little time with my beautiful family, and got the closure I had never gotten from my grandpa’s death (due to a lot of family drama). I had a healing encounter with G-d at the grave site; crying, praying and pouring out my heart in my journal, and I believe destiny was birthed in that moment.

I journeyed on to Salina, KS, where I stayed for just over a month. It was great to spend time with my family, to look upon the town I had essentially grown up in with fresh eyes. I was determined to find the beautiful among the mundane and grow in a place that had all of the sudden become far too small for me; yet there was an unsettled place I could not shake. I could not, for the life of me, unpack my life and put down roots. Then, one day, I saw it -a poster for a screening of ‘Nefarious: Merchant of Souls‘ (a documentary about Sex Trafficking) that I had been wanting to see. I knew G-d was about to break in and stir up the waters of my heart.

Sure enough, after watching the documentary that was both heart-wrenching and beautiful in redemption, I was undone. I couldn’t move or speak; all I could do was pray and let G-d continue to speak. I knew this was a turning point and that my life would never be the same. One of the girl’s on tour prayed with me, and a week later I was on my way to Kansas City, to seek G-d’s will for my life at the International House of Prayer.

I stayed in KC for a week with some friends who encouraged me to take that leap of faith, move there, and get involved with Exodus Cry (the ministry that filmed and created Nefarious) and spend time at IHOP. I also found out that my friend’s husband (the couple I stayed with) worked with Exodus Cry; the details with which G-d orchestrates our lives never cease to astound me. A week later, I had a Skype interview with potential roommates, and a week or two after that, I moved to Kansas City.

Just a couple days after moving to Kansas City, I jumped into volunteer work with Exodus Cry; a ministry and people that quickly captured my heart. They had just moved into a new building and needed a receptionist. I helped fill this need every morning, Monday-Friday, three hours a day for just short of three months. I loved being there and being involved in a ministry I was passionate about, even in this small way.

During these months, in the afternoons, I looked for a job and went to interviews. I had moved to Kansas City with no job prospects; just a lot of faith, a sense of calling, and a diminishing savings account.

I knocked on every door I could think to knock on, and none of them seemed to open. I knew G-d had called me to Kansas City, but was beginning to doubt that I would be able to stay.

After a couple months of feeling isolated and alone, G-d began to surround me with some friends who spoke into my life in dynamic ways. On my birthday, one such friend was helping me cut up a large pumpkin for baking. The conversation got serious as she began to speak to the fear she saw in my life; exposing the tiny prison cell I had felt all around me but wasn’t able to see, up to that point. At the climax of our conversation, the knife went into my thumb and landed me in the ER. My birthday plans were cancelled and her evening plans were, as well; but I was blessed to have a beautiful soul beside me and G-d was doing major surgery on my heart. That was the beginning of my journey to freedom from the Fear I had walked in my entire life. You can read a bit more about this here.

A couple weeks later, I was blessed to be a part of IHOP’s Onething conference, something my heart had been missing for five long years! It was an incredible time of worship and dynamic messages that rocked my world. G-d imparted SO much into my heart that weekend, but the most life changing thing I came away with was the experiential encounter with the LOVE of the Father. He spoke identity and love over me in ways I cannot even fully grasp; seeds that had been planted and watered along the years, began to push through the prepared soil of my heart and grow and flourish. I cannot think of a better way to ring in the New Year than being among thousands of people, worshiping the Living G-d; and this particular weekend was especially meaningful to me.

A couple days later, I attended Exodus Cry’s Abolition Summit, a gathering of people under the cause of justice and freedom for those caught in sex trafficking. During this conference, Abba solidified the calling of justice in my life, reinforced all He had spoken at Onething, and infused my heart with JOY. It was SO, SO, SO good, and I am blessed to have been a part of such a gathering.

A day or so after that, I went to a new church, The Boiler Room, and knew that was where G-d was placing me. Within a month of being there, Abba placed me in a family and began to surround me with friends. I got plugged into a couple core groups and have been growing so much. At the Boiler Room, G-d has revealed truths of the gospel to me in ways that never made sense before. I finally had a working definition of who the Holy Spirit is, and how the gospel goes beyond the Cross. There is SO much I could say about the blessing this church has been in my life, but I will save that for later.

At the end of January, the L-RD provided a job, and it was not a door I had knocked on, previously. It was not even one I wanted to open. But, it was His last minute provision and mercy to confirm that I was indeed to stay in Kansas City. I had such a peace about it, even though I hadn’t wanted to go back to childcare. I was thankful for work, and began to see that I was there, in part, to encourage and bless a couple of my co-workers. I loved the job and the precious babies. Then, after a couple months, my one co-worker left, and I no longer had peace about being there. My eyes were opened to things that had only been red flags, previously. I’m not one to quit when things are hard, and fought to stay afloat for a while; but pretty soon the stress of certain situations was so overwhelming I felt like I was drowning, and nothing about life, during the week, made sense anymore. My life was consumed with the stress and busyness of this job, and I felt like there was no longer time for LIFE, let alone the things I was passionate about or the things that made me me (it was a 10 hour day). I had NEVER gotten burnt out so quickly in a job before (3 months); I no longer had peace about being there, and was begging G-d to get me out.

One of my friends, from Exodus Cry, mentioned they were hiring for the receptionist position, and I was so excited. This was the job I had been praying for since November/December. I found out about this job on a Thursday night and figured out that the next semester of Intro to IHOP started exactly two weeks from Friday (the next day); Intro is a requirement to join Exodus Cry staff and they would pay for the person they hired to do Intro. I felt an urgency to hand in my letter of resignation and apply for the job I really wanted; stepping out in faith and trusting that G-d would make a way.

Long story short, I did not get the job, and I was heart-broken for a week, but four days after my dream was shot down, I was privileged to attend my church’s Spring retreat. At the retreat, G-d restored my heart and brought such joy, freedom, and peace. I was able to sing new songs in worship and finally allowed my feet to dance into victory that Saturday night. Pete Greig spoke Saturday morning about courage, contending for the promises, entering the promised land, and pushing past fear in boldness. That night, before the dancing broke out during worship, G-d gave me a song that has become my mantra; “I say ‘yes’ to You (G-d), and ‘No’ to fear!” It was an incredible weekend, and it’s hard to believe that was less than three weeks ago!

G-d has been doing amazing things in my life and heart, here in Kansas City. He has brought revelation, freedom from fear and the orphan spirit, healing of areas in my heart, joy, deeper fellowship with Him, spoken identity over me, surrounded me with friends to encourage and exhort, given me confidence in Him, increased my measure of faith and ability to trust, expanded my heart to love Him more and more, and this is just the beginning of what is to come. I finally feel as though the glass ceiling has been removed and I can hear from and experience G-d in ways I despaired of ever being possible, in the past. Now, the possibilities with and depths of G-d truly are unsearchable. I want more and more and more of G-d, and I finally feel like I am able to let Him mold me into the woman He has been calling me to be. I am ready to let Him heal me, and make me stronger than before. I feel like I am in the womb of G-d, here in Kansas City, and, as Wendy Andrews spoke about in church Sunday, I feel like G-d is wanting to make me good news before I can share that good news with others.

In the last couple weeks of being unemployed, again, I decided to take advantage of the Global Prayer Room; sitting at the feet of Jesus in worship and prayer, seeking His face and will for the next season of my life. It has been life transforming and an answer to years of prayer; being able to devote 30 minutes- an hour or two/four/six hours of my day to the One who Created me and is shaping me into His image.  I am looking for a job, but in the meantime, I am enjoying this time with my Maker, and feeling the call to ‘rest’, to ‘come and sit a while’, to ‘be still and know that I am G-d.’ It has been an incredible time of refreshing and of letting G-d speak to me.

I am SO excited for what is next on this journey of faith, G-d has invited me into. That being said, G-d has had me in a place of not having anything to rely on but Him for some time, now, and has asked me to trust Him. I am in need of a few miracles, and am awaiting the provision of G-d’s faithfulness. I KNOW that He is faithful, that He loves to provide for His children, and that the righteous/those who love Him will never be forsaken.

If you would like to partner with me in prayer in this, here are my prayer circles:

*A job that I can thrive in and give back to, that both provides the necessary income but does not steal all of my time or energy.

*Confirmation as to which school to apply to:
The 24-7 Academy’s Vision Course at my church, Intro to IHOP, or IHOPUniversity, Forerunner Music Academy. If G-d has placed me in Kansas City, I want to take advantage of the opportunities for growth that Kansas City has to offer!

Also, if I gave you my address before leaving Maryland, it has changed, but my phone number is still the same. Message me if you want more details. I love mail! 😉

Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for more updates. I am expecting G-d to come through, make His name great, and continue transforming my heart!